Strength

I guess part of my ageing is using outdated platforms like this. I call it freedom of choice.

I wanted to share something that I have realised over the last years. 

Strength.

It takes a lot of strength to build and to carry. I have said: "Lay it on me, I can take it. Give me your frustrations and your pain, let me carry it for you." I have carried so much and so many, and I have been working so hard to build stability in the midst of chaos. It took a lot of strength, but not necessarily my own.

God said: "I am he, I am he who will sustain you". And he did.

But it takes even more strength to stand when everything falls apart around you. When those you said you'd carry fall through your arms and everything you've built turns to rubble. When despair is staring you in the face wherever you turn and no matter where you look there is no comfort to be found. To walk through the dense blackness of hopelessness takes so. much. strenght.

God said: "Do not fear, I will help you". When the blackness was overwhelming I held on to that promise, and so I could find hope in the midst of hopelessness. I found God to be the only foundation that could not be shaken. 

To all my brothers and sisters out there struggling with life, you are not alone. Life can be hard and brutal, the night can be overwhelming. I know. We are many that know. And we are not afraid of your darkness.

Much Love

Jealousy

It's the end of a bank holiday. Easter. I don't like holidays these days, they're a time when families get together. I don't like Facebook either. I see too many happy couples smiling at me, family pictures and baby bumps. I get jealous when I see couples holding hands, fathers picking up their children from day care and hear about someone buying fast food for their partner over the weekend. I get jealous when I think about couples spending their evenings together, and then get to sleep next to each other all night. I spend all my evenings making sure Espoir goes to sleep, I clean up and go to bed alone. Always alone.

Now me and Nicolas, we talk basically everyday. We don't have much to say, yet time is never enough. We can't really express all that we want to say through words alone, "I love you" doesn't give justice to our feelings, no matter how many times repeated. "Na lingi yo, na suka ya tango o yebi? Na yebi. To sa biso njoso, biso misato. Je t'aime cheri." The longing and the waiting is unbearable. So far we have no news from the migration office, apart from the information that no one has even looked at our application and they can't tell when they will.

I know I shouldn't be jealous. I know I should be happy that we are safe and that our love is standing the test. But there are times when all I want is for this family to be reunited, so much that I'm willing to sacrifice safety. Life can seem so unfair, yet I know others who suffer much more than we do. Patience is not easy, yet we're trying to hold on. I know God will keep us and sustain us, and that one day we will look back at this time with gratitude. But for now I am not grateful, I am bitter. And jealous.


All Love

Waiting Building and Growing

As most of you know, we had a rough time in the DRC, with corruption, political unrest, false accusations, sickness and so on, so on. Hence, Espoir and I are now back in Sweden since mid October and Nicolas is still in Congo waiting for a residence visa.

It's been a long wait, and it continues, yet things are happening. Before we left Congo we bought a small piece of land in a village called Seke Banza and are now building a house there. With hardly no means this would have been impossible had it not been for all the amazing support we've had from family and friends. We are so grateful to God, who has moved the hearts of so many people to stand by our side in building what we hope will be the start of a wonderful project. We have a dream to reach out to people who have been marginalised and who lack family support, and we do hope this dream will become real one day. We planned a simple house, yet the builders, it turns out, are making the most of their skills, and our house is getting pretty fancy. By African standards that is. Of course this means the costs go up, but we put our trust in the dream giver and so continue the work as our means allow.

Our beautiful house in the making

Not only are we building, but sleeping behind me is a little one who is growing rapidly. Espoir will turn one next week and is already up walking, and even attempting some kind of wobbly run when excited. It's hard that Nicolas can't be here to experience it all, yet we are thankful for what we do have, and look forward to what lies ahead. I can't wait for Nicolas to get here, to see my country and be reunited with his family. We need a break from Africa, so that we can return one day with full enthusiasm.

Little Happy Face

All Love

Up Up and Away

Saying goodbye at the airport

After months of waiting the time has finally come for me and Espoir to start the journey to Congo, and I still carry this feeling of unbelief. That is what months and months of waiting does to you I guess. This time flying is a little bit more of an adventure, because I now have a baby to care for and I have a lot more baggage. I have an over night stop in Turkey and by tomorrow evening we shall have reached our final destination. Nicolas. Espoir's dad. My husband. In a week we celebrate our one year aniversery but we've only had about a week together as husband and wife. Well that's finally about to change...

All Love

6 Months

Today we've had our little treasure around for 6 months. He's grown so much and we are awfully proud of him.

If the video isn't showing, watch it here Espoir 6 months

All Love

Tickets Booked

Today Espoir slept the whole morning and, running out of things to do, I finally sat down by the computer and decided today was the day. I booked a flight to the DRC, and if all goes well, we'll be landing in Kinshasa on the 1st of August. Now we just pray that all the rest will fall into place, that we will get our visas and that the political situation will be stable enough to travel.

I left for Sweden August 17 last year, and there has not been a day I haven't felt Nicolas absence. Going through the last trimester of pregnancy, labor, and finally taking care of a baby for 6 months without my husband by my side has been tremendously hard, but at last I see the possibility of an approaching reunion. We have been waiting for this so long it feels like a dream. The thought of seeing my husband face to face, touching him - it's almost surreal. In a month and a half, by the grace of God, we will finally be together again and Nicolas will be able to hold his son for the first time. A month and a half. I wish I could make time go faster...

All Love

Summer Is Here

Here we are, month of June and baby Espoir is already 5 months old, owner of his first passport and happily drooling his days away with constant demand of full attention. He is adorable, but I have to confess I like it the most when he's asleep. I reckon I'm not the first mother to feel that way.


Yesterday my dear friend Kicki came by and brightened up an already sunny day. A dip in the sea, lots of laughter, bbq and ice cream. And best of all - someone who gladly took over the hard job of entertaining the baby!

All Love

I'm Back

My blog's been down for a while for various reasons, and this post is the re-opening. So what's happened since last?

First of all, down in Congo I got happily reunited with Nicolas and we got engaged and later married in Matadi, a town in DRC. We also have a son together, named Espoir which means Hope in french.

Me and baby are currently living with my parents in Sweden while Nicolas is still in Matadi, waiting for his passport. Most likely we will join him there once little Espoir has had his vaccinations and is ready for the long journey.

So this is me today, a spouse and a mother - something I still can't quite get my head around. Though when I think of our little family it makes me happy, knowing that no matter what life throws at us - we are in this together.

Papa and Mama Espoir

Baby Espoir born 21 December 2015

All Love

Into the Unknown

They say it's a sign of ageing when you start going away for your birthday. Well, I'm turning 30 in a week and I'm making sure I leave on time! Bags packed, tickets ready - I will land in Pointe Noire tomorrow at noon. I am excited and a little bit scared, all I know is that I have a hotel booked for 2 nights and the rest is a mystery. Maybe I will return in April, maybe I will not. God knows where I am heading, and I trust him to be with me. I guess this is what they call an adventure...

All Love

Things I Dream About

Life on the ship can be straining from time to time, and lately I've found myself longing for the day when I get to say farewell to this big metal box full of people. I believe most of us have those days, no matter how wonderful and fulfilling our job is and how deep and loving our relationships are. Here are a few of the things that I quietly dream of...

- A home, that is mine to furnish and decorate however I want. With a possibility to be by myself, without people barging in at any possible moment. Also, a home to which I can invite friends and family, and possibly even have people staying over.

- Being able to wake up to the sun shining through my window.

- A garden, be it small or big, where I can watch plants grow (I would most likely watch them die as well, though that is not a part of my dream) and enjoy the beauty and fragrance of flowers in many colours. Where I can go out on a nice day, sit down with a good book and a glass of wine (real wine, not grape juice). I also secretly dream of having a couple of chickens pottering about in my little yard, snatching away my seedlings and laying eggs under the bushes. 

- Making bread, having BBQ's, eating breakfast after a lie-in.

- Along with these there is also the ability to live life without hundreds of people watching me and judging my every move. Where the opinion of my friends and family matters and the rest really don't care about where I'm going or what I'm doing. 

It is hard to describe what it is like living on this ship, there are things that are absolutely amazing and there are also parts that are incredibly difficult. Good and bad, ups and downs. I am grateful for this season in my life and the lessons I learn from living in this community. Some people stay here for many years, but for me, I think two years might be it.


All Love

A Giving Life

"Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one that wants to borrow from you"
Matt 5:42

"If you lend to those from whom you expect repayment, what credit is that to you? Even 'sinners' lend to 'sinners', expecting to be repaid in full. But love your enemies, do good to them, and lend to them without expecting to get anything back. Then your reward will be great, and you will be sons of the Most High, because he is kind to the ungrateful and wicked. Be merciful just as your father is merciful."
Luke 5:34-36

These passages never caused me much distress, because living in Sweden being asked for money is not something you come across very often. Now, Africa is a completely different story. First of all, people will ask you for money partly because it's an opportunity that's come their way and today they just might strike lucky. "Give me 500 CFA" is not an uncommon comment you get as you walk down the street. No one is really offended when you ignore these requests, but other times, the demand is sincere. Now, making donations is a tricky question when you're basically living off donations yourself.

There is the balance between being wise, being generous, and acting in faith. I have always been very good at handling money and I've never really run short. Now I find myself challenged to donate beyond what I would ever spend myself and my well-controlled bank account is suddenly starting to stir. The requests vary from small change to larger donations to help start up a small business or provide free schooling for poor families. I live well. So far I have never struggled to pay my crew fees or run out of transport money. Yet, every time a larger sum is extracted from my account I feel a small tug in my gut. Maybe to some degree financial security has minimised my trust in God.

"Frida, can you lend me $500?"
With that question my mind starts panicking and I find the spirit asking me what's the matter, I really don't trust God to provide all I need?

Faith.

I have a long way to go...


All Love

Meet Nicolas

We have been a month in Congo and people are starting to post stories about adventures as well as pictures of exciting scenery. I don't have much of those these days, even though I spend a lot of time off the ship. When I go ashore I go here - to visit my little brother and best friend Nicolas. 

Last Saturday was no exception. We were hanging out on the beach, and as the day progressed the sun was starting to burn. Together (although I have very little to take credit for) we created a sun shade, which by the time we were finished wasn't really needed. Throughout the day people stopped by to look at the unusual scene, and some stayed with us all evening. The video is far from exciting, but will show you a small part of my life here. Prepare to meet my new best friend...

The song is Un Prince a Southfork, by Fally Ipupa. The language is Lingala, the local language spoken here.

All Love

My New Best Friend

Today I decided to try the bus system and went on a little trip to the sea, a long strip of sand housing numerous little fishing boats. This Sunday morning the place was empty and quiet, a perfect spot for a  contemplative mind and restless feet.
As I was walking along I caught up with a young man doing his Sunday promenade on the beach. I greeted him and we both stopped in our tracks, curious to find out what had brought another soul to such a desolate place. I offered him some water, sat down in the moist sand and a very interesting conversation begun. As he shared his story I was amazed at his courage and spirit. His name is Nicolas and he is my new best friend. Now I need to find him a phone so that I can call him and tell him good morning and good evening and ask him what he had for dinner; because when you are best friends, those things matter.

All Love

Flying African

A few days ago I left Sweden, travelling by air to Pointe Noire in Congo to join the ship. Now, I was flying over night and had a connection flight from Addis Ababa in Ethiopia. This is the story...

It was with sleepy steps I made my way through the airport only to get stuck in the queue to security. As I reached the desk I was suddenly struck by an immense sense of nausea and almost threw up in the security box. It was with wobbly steps I managed to drag my faint self away, and once I recovered I discovered that cold sweating doesn't make a cold waiting hall any more comfortable. As I was sitting there shivering I counted down the minutes until I could finally board the flight to Congo. Well, I was to discover flying African can be unreliable.

First of all, they didn't start boarding the planes until the said departure time. Secondly, most planes seemed to board from the same gate, no matter which gate was displayed at the screen, causing passengers to rush through the waiting hall in order to catch their flights. When the time had finally come for us to board we were told to sit down and wait. Instead they boarded the plane to Togo. We waited as our flight was delayed one hour. The next thing we knew, our flight was removed from the screen and people went up to query what was happening. Our flight reappeared, delayed yet another hour, and I was devastated. At that point I was both cold and hungry, nodding off from lack of sleep during the previous flight. As I looked up again I discovered our plane had been delayed a third time, and I decided to join the group of unsettled passengers gathering near the desk by the gate. No available planes they said, and we all wondered what the planes fully visible outside the windows were being used for. They said we might have to switch airlines, and asked us to wait another twenty minutes in order for them to sort things out. Then our flight was removed from the screen again - cancelled, they said. At that point we were all cold, hungry and moody, and upset passengers started shouting at the staff, demanding to see the manager. It all got really feisty, and once the manager finally came around a mob of twenty angry African men literally cornered him and shouted at him in various dialects for a good few minutes. The next thing we heard, there would be a plane ready and fuelled up within 38 minutes. And wouldn't you know it, after about 40 minutes we got told we could start boarding, and we all rushed through the gate like it was a race for life or death, eager to get a seat on that plane.

All in all our flight was delayed 5 hours, but then, at least we got there in the end. Uncivilised perhaps, but effective - I am grateful to the men that dared to threaten the airport manager in order to get us a plane to Pointe Noire that day!

All Love

There Is No Shame Between Sisters

I dedicate this blog post to my two wonderful sisters Rut and Sara. 

Being a woman, I count myself truly blessed having sisters. Sisters, whether linked by blood or not, are treasured people who know more about us than we would ever like to be revealed to the world. They have endured our most longwinded stories, seen us at our most pathetic moments, and they have encouraged us tirelessly. They are always ready with advice, being it on the subject of relationships, career, or body-related issues. There is no shame between sisters. When I fear condemnation by the rest of the world, when I have problems I am too ashamed to confess - it is to my sisters I come. With my beloved two I have laughed so hard my urethral sphincter has struggled to keep tight. We've sung along with the most cheesy songs, many times combined with interpretive dancing and various utensils as props. Together we have thrown every stitch of clothing, breasts and bottoms wobbling as we've run toward the waterline over cliffs, jetties and beaches. There have been movie nights, massage nights and girl talk nights. I believe there are no words to fully express how much my sisters actually mean to me and how much I treasure our moments together. 

Within the last month I have seen both of my sisters getting married, and it brought me such joy being able to see my beloved two dance in the arms of the men they both spent so many years speculating and dreaming about.

I love you more than you know

All Love

God is so Good

This evening many people were going out to one of the popular restaurants/bars here in Conakry, and despite many invitations I decided to stay on the ship. I didn't really know what to do and didn't really have any peace so I decided to pick up my guitar and go down to the dock to play and ponder. As my regular spot was taken I decided to walk a little further and got called over by one of the dock workers. He asked me to teach him to play and sing, and I agreed to teach him to sing a song in French. He and his friends placed a mat on the ground for me to sit on and I started teaching them a song from my very limited French repertoire. One of the guys then wanted to teach me how to sing it in Fula and they wrote out the words for me to learn. The song in English goes like this:

You are bigger than what people say, 

Jehova, bigger than what people say. 

You are excellent, you are marvellous, 

you are bigger than what people say.

This led on to a conversation about God, and as these muslim men started mentioning their prophets I got to share with them what Jesus means to me. I told them how my sins are so great no sheep could make me worthy to stand before a holy God and how Jesus is the one sacrifice that is able to pay the debt I owe. We talked about forgiveness and how hoarding unforgiveness is like carrying around a heavy backpack, how God ordered us to do good to one another and how to fight evil. We talked about paradise and judgement and hypocrisy. After some time curfew called me back to the ship, and I left my eight new friends with a promise to come back Monday to continue the conversation. Before I left I was given a couple of mangoes and a Bob Marley hat (in return I gave the guy my silk scarf, which looked surprisingly good on him), then returned to the ship thanking God for such an unexpected evening. God is good.

All Love

Fouta Djallon

So I had a week off work and decided to head upcountry to explore more of Guinea. After some security checks I packed my rucksack, invited Jesus along and set off. Here's a day by day summary of my week.

Monday
I got a taxi from Conakry heading to Labé, a town in the Fouta Djallon region of Guinea. It was a 10 hour long journey with various stops for prayer, food and engine trouble. I found myself crammed between a bigger lady and a small man, falling asleep on the poor guy's shoulder every now and again as the sun went down. We arrived in Labé around 11pm and a friend of mine from the region directed me to a decent hotel where I had a good night's sleep.

Ready for bed after a long taxi ride

Tuesday
Had Foude, a local guide, take me on a day's tour around the region on his motorbike. Up mountains, through small villages and visiting waterfalls. Best moment must have been climbing down the waterfall for a refreshing swim. I also made him to climb some rocks with me, and he proudly lifted me up wherever I couldn't reach, proving that he was stronger than he looked. Before heading back we also went to a small village to greet his family. Once we returned to the hotel I was exhausted after the long and bumpy motorbike ride, although I have to say I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Me and Foude on top of the rocks

Climbing waterfalls

No way we weren't going in!

Wednesday
Took a taxi to Matakao to experience some village life, a rickety minivan travelling a dirt road in terrible condition. Before we took off I had bought a scarf, as I felt silly being the only woman without a headpiece, and as I put it on everyone started laughing and called me married woman. Maybe I chose the wrong model... It took us 6 hours to reach the village, although somewhere along the way we had a breakdown with a boiling engine and had to sit and wait for the van to get cleared out of smoke and steam. As we arrived and they found out I didn't know anybody in the village I was immediately introduced to some important people, given a good meal and housing. I was offered to stay with Rougiatou, the chief director over the educational system in the area, and although I was offered other housing with indoor toilet and electricity I felt it was the right thing to stay with her.

The Suprefet and Rougiatou

Thursday
The weekly market of the village, lots of activity and noises and smells (I was especially fascinated by the man chopping away at a cow skull). Rougiatou took me to the health clinic to let me see how they work there. I saw a few malaria cases, some malnutrition, general aches and pregnancy checks. They asked me to stay and work with them, but I kindly declined with the excuse that I was needed back on the ship, which they accepted. Rougiatou took me around on the back of her motorbike and visited various people and had several meetings. In the evening I went for a small hike around the outskirts of the village, gave some health advice and had a good evening chat under a clear starlit sky. I also discovered that fresh cow milk mixed with overcooked rice, sugar and mayonnaise doesn't suit my taste buds.

Thursday Market

The health clinic of the village

The examination soom

Out on a hike

Friday
Went to visit the other regions of the village, greeted sweet old ladies and curious children and ate lots of weird fruit. Witnessed Rougiatous and the Suprefets act of blessing, feeding the local children, which led to a conversation about religion. The Suprefet told me that if I married him (which he had been suggesting since our first meeting) I would have to convert to Islam, and I told him that would never happen. At sunset I went out for a walk and came back to the house to had a good talk with Rougiatou about life and dreams; I praised her hospitality and she praised my contentment. Before we went to bed I prayed a prayer of blessing over her and her family.

Some local girls eating at Rougiatou's place

This was supposed to be a landscape photography...

Saturday
Woke up with a runny stomach, which isn't ideal when looking forward to 6+10 hours of bumpy travelling without toilet facilities. I prayed to God that I would survive the day, and oh praise him, my stomach stayed quiet until I was safe back on the ship. We were 14 people sharing a 7-seater taxi, and I think it was the first time I've seen people sharing the driver's seat. We also had a whole bunch of guys riding on top of the car and I had to watch out that their feet didn't hit me in the head as we bumped along. In Labé I contacted Foude, who found me in a shack eating mango with a carpenter, and he took me on a tour around the city. I bought some more scarfs, we all shared a big platter of chicken and chips, and at night I took the taxi back to Conakry.

Rough roads

All in all it was a good holiday. It was what one can expect; beautiful landscapes, outdoor showers, eating and drinking with the locals, squatty toilets, cooking over open fire, greeting the elders, playing with the children, marriage proposals, motorbikes and crowded taxis. Generally, I found that Africa isn't that exotic after all, it's same but different; we have diseases, we all eat and drink, pee and poop, there is beauty and ugliness. We share the same feelings, we joke and we cry. Africa is also ordinary.


All Love

The Retreat

After 4 night shifts and huge lack of sleep I decided to take a little retreat to Coyah, roughly 2 hours away from town. I phoned up a contact I have there and headed off to nature, peace and tranquility. I stayed in a hotel surrounded by mountains and streams and got there on the back of Sadou's motorbike. My room was lovely and the food was great; I had everything I needed right there.

After a nap I went out for a walk along the stream and came across some local kids playing in the water. After much persuasion I left my dress on the rocks and joined in, to their very delight. After some splashing around I said goodbye and continued my walk, four waving kids behind me. But the goodness didn't stop there. Later I discovered the pure pleasure of racing through the night, empty streets and dark landscapes, the cool air refreshing on bare skin. Motorbikes are mighty fine sometimes! I went to bed that night only to wake up to the most wonderful morning I've had in a long time. I spent the morning snoozing; free to spread out on a wide bed, sunshine streaming through the curtains and the tune of Roxette's Milk and Toast and Honey playing as I slowly prepared myself on starting a new day. After a cold, refreshing bucket shower I sat down on a sunny porch with some mango, ready for a date with God. A good quiet time and a lovely brunch and I was ready to head back to the busy life in Conakry; well fed, well rested and well inspired.

All Love

Touring the Islands

Last week I took a boat over to the islands to do a tour around all the villages together with Blo, the youth president of the islands. Over two days we visited three islands and seven villages, greeted hundreds of people and walked many miles. Everywhere we went I could hear "fotey" being called out from a distance as the children couldn't hide their excitement over encountering this funny-looking pale foreigner; for many it was the first time they met a white person. I ate the food they ate, we drank water from the same bucket and fresh fruit was given to me by the villagers on a regular basis, eaten unwashed with skin on. It's a wonder my stomach remained strong through the whole visit.

Some of the highlights:
The many boat rides to and from the islands
Taking bucket showers outdoors
The big fat scary centipede in my squatty potty. It didn't appreciate getting pissed on and I was quick to get out of there!
Visiting the light house and signing a guest book from 1936
A little girl falling asleep in my lap
The many shared meals and cups of tea mixed with conversations about God, life and love

All Love

Hand on the Heart

I want to tell you about a 19 year old patient we discharged today. He came in with severe burnt contractions on both arms, leaving his arms fixed in a bent position. Two years ago his house was caught on fire, and to be honest, he is lucky to be alive. Since his surgery, where skin grafts were taken from his leg and grafted to his arms and armpits, he has had to wear uncomfortable splints to keep his arms elevated and he's had to do hourly exercises to stretch and bend his arms and shoulders.

In the beginning of his recovery I had time to sit with him and assist with his exercises, and though at first he complained about it, it wasn't long before his attitude changed. That day he was able to eat by himself, even if it took a lot of effort to make the spoon reach his mouth. I told him that after 3 days he should be able to eat with his hands. He laughed at me. At the end of the day, after hours of exercises, he told me he should be able to eat with his hand the next day. That was with the left hand, the good one. I told him to keep exercising and he would be able to eat with his right hand after three days. When that day arrived I went down to the hospital to see him, and didn't I see him eat with his right hand! Since then I have been encouraging him and I've told him that before he leaves us he should be able to place his hand over his heart. Every day I would ask him how he's doing and he would smile and shake his head, still a long way to go.

As I returned from the islands this morning he called out to me from the outpatient's tent, and as I went up to greet him he told me he would be leaving to go back home today. As we said goodbye he placed his right hand on his heart, with a smile on his face, and I have no words to express how I felt. Thank you God for your faithfulness and your loving care!

All Love