Strength

I guess part of my ageing is using outdated platforms like this. I call it freedom of choice.

I wanted to share something that I have realised over the last years. 

Strength.

It takes a lot of strength to build and to carry. I have said: "Lay it on me, I can take it. Give me your frustrations and your pain, let me carry it for you." I have carried so much and so many, and I have been working so hard to build stability in the midst of chaos. It took a lot of strength, but not necessarily my own.

God said: "I am he, I am he who will sustain you". And he did.

But it takes even more strength to stand when everything falls apart around you. When those you said you'd carry fall through your arms and everything you've built turns to rubble. When despair is staring you in the face wherever you turn and no matter where you look there is no comfort to be found. To walk through the dense blackness of hopelessness takes so. much. strenght.

God said: "Do not fear, I will help you". When the blackness was overwhelming I held on to that promise, and so I could find hope in the midst of hopelessness. I found God to be the only foundation that could not be shaken. 

To all my brothers and sisters out there struggling with life, you are not alone. Life can be hard and brutal, the night can be overwhelming. I know. We are many that know. And we are not afraid of your darkness.

Much Love

Jealousy

It's the end of a bank holiday. Easter. I don't like holidays these days, they're a time when families get together. I don't like Facebook either. I see too many happy couples smiling at me, family pictures and baby bumps. I get jealous when I see couples holding hands, fathers picking up their children from day care and hear about someone buying fast food for their partner over the weekend. I get jealous when I think about couples spending their evenings together, and then get to sleep next to each other all night. I spend all my evenings making sure Espoir goes to sleep, I clean up and go to bed alone. Always alone.

Now me and Nicolas, we talk basically everyday. We don't have much to say, yet time is never enough. We can't really express all that we want to say through words alone, "I love you" doesn't give justice to our feelings, no matter how many times repeated. "Na lingi yo, na suka ya tango o yebi? Na yebi. To sa biso njoso, biso misato. Je t'aime cheri." The longing and the waiting is unbearable. So far we have no news from the migration office, apart from the information that no one has even looked at our application and they can't tell when they will.

I know I shouldn't be jealous. I know I should be happy that we are safe and that our love is standing the test. But there are times when all I want is for this family to be reunited, so much that I'm willing to sacrifice safety. Life can seem so unfair, yet I know others who suffer much more than we do. Patience is not easy, yet we're trying to hold on. I know God will keep us and sustain us, and that one day we will look back at this time with gratitude. But for now I am not grateful, I am bitter. And jealous.


All Love

Waiting Building and Growing

As most of you know, we had a rough time in the DRC, with corruption, political unrest, false accusations, sickness and so on, so on. Hence, Espoir and I are now back in Sweden since mid October and Nicolas is still in Congo waiting for a residence visa.

It's been a long wait, and it continues, yet things are happening. Before we left Congo we bought a small piece of land in a village called Seke Banza and are now building a house there. With hardly no means this would have been impossible had it not been for all the amazing support we've had from family and friends. We are so grateful to God, who has moved the hearts of so many people to stand by our side in building what we hope will be the start of a wonderful project. We have a dream to reach out to people who have been marginalised and who lack family support, and we do hope this dream will become real one day. We planned a simple house, yet the builders, it turns out, are making the most of their skills, and our house is getting pretty fancy. By African standards that is. Of course this means the costs go up, but we put our trust in the dream giver and so continue the work as our means allow.

Our beautiful house in the making

Not only are we building, but sleeping behind me is a little one who is growing rapidly. Espoir will turn one next week and is already up walking, and even attempting some kind of wobbly run when excited. It's hard that Nicolas can't be here to experience it all, yet we are thankful for what we do have, and look forward to what lies ahead. I can't wait for Nicolas to get here, to see my country and be reunited with his family. We need a break from Africa, so that we can return one day with full enthusiasm.

Little Happy Face

All Love

Up Up and Away

Saying goodbye at the airport

After months of waiting the time has finally come for me and Espoir to start the journey to Congo, and I still carry this feeling of unbelief. That is what months and months of waiting does to you I guess. This time flying is a little bit more of an adventure, because I now have a baby to care for and I have a lot more baggage. I have an over night stop in Turkey and by tomorrow evening we shall have reached our final destination. Nicolas. Espoir's dad. My husband. In a week we celebrate our one year aniversery but we've only had about a week together as husband and wife. Well that's finally about to change...

All Love

6 Months

Today we've had our little treasure around for 6 months. He's grown so much and we are awfully proud of him.

If the video isn't showing, watch it here Espoir 6 months

All Love

Tickets Booked

Today Espoir slept the whole morning and, running out of things to do, I finally sat down by the computer and decided today was the day. I booked a flight to the DRC, and if all goes well, we'll be landing in Kinshasa on the 1st of August. Now we just pray that all the rest will fall into place, that we will get our visas and that the political situation will be stable enough to travel.

I left for Sweden August 17 last year, and there has not been a day I haven't felt Nicolas absence. Going through the last trimester of pregnancy, labor, and finally taking care of a baby for 6 months without my husband by my side has been tremendously hard, but at last I see the possibility of an approaching reunion. We have been waiting for this so long it feels like a dream. The thought of seeing my husband face to face, touching him - it's almost surreal. In a month and a half, by the grace of God, we will finally be together again and Nicolas will be able to hold his son for the first time. A month and a half. I wish I could make time go faster...

All Love

Summer Is Here

Here we are, month of June and baby Espoir is already 5 months old, owner of his first passport and happily drooling his days away with constant demand of full attention. He is adorable, but I have to confess I like it the most when he's asleep. I reckon I'm not the first mother to feel that way.


Yesterday my dear friend Kicki came by and brightened up an already sunny day. A dip in the sea, lots of laughter, bbq and ice cream. And best of all - someone who gladly took over the hard job of entertaining the baby!

All Love