It's the end of a bank holiday. Easter. I don't like holidays these days, they're a time when families get together. I don't like Facebook either. I see too many happy couples smiling at me, family pictures and baby bumps. I get jealous when I see couples holding hands, fathers picking up their children from day care and hear about someone buying fast food for their partner over the weekend. I get jealous when I think about couples spending their evenings together, and then get to sleep next to each other all night. I spend all my evenings making sure Espoir goes to sleep, I clean up and go to bed alone. Always alone.
Now me and Nicolas, we talk basically everyday. We don't have much to say, yet time is never enough. We can't really express all that we want to say through words alone, "I love you" doesn't give justice to our feelings, no matter how many times repeated. "Na lingi yo, na suka ya tango o yebi? Na yebi. To sa biso njoso, biso misato. Je t'aime cheri." The longing and the waiting is unbearable. So far we have no news from the migration office, apart from the information that no one has even looked at our application and they can't tell when they will.
I know I shouldn't be jealous. I know I should be happy that we are safe and that our love is standing the test. But there are times when all I want is for this family to be reunited, so much that I'm willing to sacrifice safety. Life can seem so unfair, yet I know others who suffer much more than we do. Patience is not easy, yet we're trying to hold on. I know God will keep us and sustain us, and that one day we will look back at this time with gratitude. But for now I am not grateful, I am bitter. And jealous.
All Love
