The End of the Beginning

I am writing tonight because I can and because I'm bored. Usually the work-computers won't allow me to access my blog, but for some reason they decided to be friendly tonight. I'm doing my last night shift for this week, it is quiet and I'm munching sandwiches. Soon I might try and read the book I brought, or try out some artistic creativity. It's all about passing time at the moment, though I am quite pleased to have time for once.

This is the end of the beginning. Today is the anniversary of our move to England. Though Julia is away at the moment, me, Josefin and Maria plan to celebrate it with some nice food and wine this evening. The year's passed quickly, but it has not been a quiet one. Since I moved here I've had so many amazing experiences and I am thankful that God brought me here. What lies ahead, I have no idea. And I don't need to know. What I have found is that it is God, The Big G, who opens doors and closes them. We think we are in control, but with one light blow God can make our whole world come crashing down. With that knowledge I stop striving and hand it all over to God, knowing he will look to my very best. For in myself I can do very little, but with God miracles can happen. And miracles are pretty cool.

Greetings from Emersons Green Treatment Centre

All Love

Falling

I am tired. I feel like I'm being pulled in so many different directions. One part of me wants to stop and scream. Another part of me wants to crawl up under a blanket and hide. So I let go of it all and fall, let myself fall into His hands.

So maybe I will go to Wales over New Years after all. I am making my escape.

All Love

Compassion

To those who tell me not to do these things, please read Isiah 58 and Matthew 25:31-46.

It is Christmas time, and England has turned into a cold frosty land of mulled wine and mince pies. Christmas Eve I spent with Julia and her family, eating Swedish meatballs and sausages and drinking Jaeger. It was a great night, and it ended at Mr Wolf''s in town. On my way home I walked past a Big Issue seller, and he wished me a happy Christmas. I asked him if he had had a good day, and he told me it had been a pretty rubbish day for him, and he explained how he had missed out on a bed at the shelter and how his bags had got lost. Now he was trying to sell The Big Issue on an empty street so he could get money for a b&b. As it was a cold night I told him he could come and stay on my sofa if he wanted to. So it came to be that we walked the road up to my flat together. His name was Alen, and he told me about his life, a story that made me crumble inside and almost brought tears to my eyes. It was a story of abuse, suicides, overdoses and loneliness. Yet I was amazed at his goodness and how he refused to let his circumstances break him down. He said he had met me before, down the bearpit a few months ago. The bearpit is one of my favourite places in Bristol, full of homeless, druggies, buskers and street preachers. My flatmates, Rachel and Sus, had left to spend Christmas with family, so noone else was home. Had they been I probably wouldn't have invited Alen, as I'm quite sure they'd be too worried about having a male stranger picked up from the street sleeping in the flat. We got home, made some tea and I made the sofa up for him, let him have a shower and gave him some clothes to sleep in so that I could wash his own ones. Allthough I was never afraid of him, I said a prayer at bedtime for protection and peace. As the morning came, he got himself dressed and I told him he could keep the trousers as his shorts might be too cold later on. So he did. We said good bye and Merry Christmas and he headed out to try and get his situation sorted. It might have been a drop in the ocean, but however insignificant it might seem, had I been him, it would have mattered. And so I feel peace.

Today is Christmas Day and I am truly blessed.

All Love

Sweden and Winter

Christmas time. I am back in Sweden for 10 days seeing family and friends. It's been snowy and cold most of the time and I've realised I really need proper winter shoes. When I arrived the plane had to land closer to Stockholm as the weather didn't allow the plane to land in Gothenburg. After 5 hours on a bus I arrived at the right airport, and around 4 am I stepped through the door to our house, noticing with delight that the temperature inside was 23 degrees. The bed was waiting for me and the duvet seemed more like a sheet than a duvet compared to the one I got in Bristol, but I was never cold. I have played in the snow, met up with old friends, walked the frozen lake, eaten saffron buns, been fed by my grandma, been to my brother's Christmas concert, and tomorrow will be more catching up and celebrating my sister's 28th birthday. Time has passed way too quick as always, and I have only one more day here. Though I will miss it, there's a niceness about going home to England. Because, however hard it can be to admit it, I do miss my mates!

All Love

Winter Has Arrived

It's been a few really cold days in England. Frosty mornings and some snow is actually resting on cars and bushes. Linda has been here, and we've had some lovely days. Watched my first rugby game live in Bath and suffered from frozen feet after that. And I got a killer cold coughing my lungs out, but hey, it's winter. Decided not to cycle to work, but will take the bus for another week of night shifts.

Linda commented on my layed back life style, consisting of occasional work and lots of tea drinking at coffee shops. What can I say, I enjoy my moments of rest... :)
Today is rich hot chocolate time at Rubicon Cafe/Chocolatier.

A recent subject circulating among people I know have been restlessness. For me as well, I can feel myself starting to get restless feet. It might be that I'm in a state where I'm getting fed up with work, but then at the same time I'm not sure time has come to move on. I've not even been here a year. I just notice that I start dreaming away, start looking for other options... maybe a dream is taking form. Sometimes I doubt I will ever settle down. I'm never satisfied and I dread the dullness of a life of routine. I want to live near fear, cause only then do I know comfort, I want to live facing death so that I know to appreciate life, and I want to live in the storm i order to know true peace. My cousin told me to live much, and I want to know what it is like to be fully alive.

But whatever I do, I would never want to head off alone. I need my companion and friend to go with me, or I'd be lost. So, until I feel time has come, I will stay in these tracks.

All Love

No Internet

I know I haven't been very good at updating my blog, and I blame lack of internet over the last month. My sister Rut was here visiting and it was super sweet. Spa, theatre, sister-talk under the duvet... I really missed her when she left.

Otherwise, for me, I am doing well. It feels like there are a few turns on the road at the moment, and like being on a rollercoster, I feel both excited and a bit nervous about what's ahead. It's getting to the end of November, I can't believe how fast time is going. My friend Linda is coming over to visit in a few days' time, then there is the Christmas party with work on the 2nd. And December 8th I will be on a plane back to Sweden, and I will be home for about 10 days. Looking forward to some catching up, frosty nights and saffron buns. I still haven't decided what to do over Christmas. I have a few options to ponder...

At the very moment I'm at work, doing a night shift. Can't wait til the morning when I can cycle home and cuddle up under my duvet.

All Love

Is that all you got? I'll take your best shot!

Today I'm inspired by P.O.D.'s single from 2002 - BOOM.

Boom! Here comes the Boom!
Ready or not, here comes the boys from the South
Boom! Here comes the Boom!
Ready or not, How you like me now?

Is that all you got?
I'll take your best shot.
x6

Now, you may think, what's the reason for this?
Last weekend I was away in London. While I was away my new bicycle got stolen from outside our house. It didn't even last a week. I took the bus to work and when I met Julia she said she had bad news - my old bicycle had been stolen from outside their house. So both of my bicycles got stolen from different locations on the same weekend. It was a very tough day for me. That was Monday. Tuesday I felt somewhat better and the whole bicycle issue didn't disturb me that much. Wednesday I felt on top of the world. Well, I did before my manager called me into her office. We are dealing with a complaint at work and now I am involved. I had to come in early yesterday to get help with writing a statement. Today I have to come in for an investigation. Those are major issues that I have to deal with at the moment, there are many smaller problems that are too many to mention.

But will I crumble? No. I say to the evil one: Is that all you got?
He may try to destroy me emotionally, economically, take my belongings and my job. He may take my loved ones and take my health, but allthough everything may fall apart - I will still stand. I have only one rock, and that rock will not crumble. If everything is on fire, I will rise from the ashes.

Amen.



All Love